Mid Western Sampler

Just.Kill.Me.



Mom is really NOT going to appreciate the way I started this post.



It has become very clear to me that the MidWest is NOT where I am supposed to be. Mark and I are very positive we want to raise babies near the beach. And even PRE babies, move the heck away from cornfields. They are depressing. ((Hence the suicidal intentions))



I MUST see a beach every three months to stay alive. Mark and I have been able to do this for about the last four years. Even if it is just for a weekend, we both get rejeuvenated by beaches.

This weekend will be part three of three of my MidWestern Sampler.

Part One: To Terre Haute to work on the house we own....
Part Two: St. Louis to visit Jen
Part Three: Wisconsin for my cousin's graduation party

I've always felt out of place in the MidWest... It is just not.for.me.....

The sampler wouldn't be my first choice. Or my thirtieth... but it is what I do on my days off right now... Maybe a beach will be in my future someday sooooooon.......

Iguanas... You can't make this schniz up...

This is actually a story of a guy I went to college with. I am choosing to document it because it would be a real shame to forget it. Read on for the story I chuckle about every time I see an iguana.....

This guy (we'll call him Cheech) and his friends (we'll collectively call them Chong) were all hanging out in Cheech's basement one day. They were partaking in a little innocent marijuana smoking and looking at Cheech's 6 foot iguanas.

Cheech had two of them. They were HUGE and had a mansion of a cage to live in. Cheech had devoted a large portion of the basement for his iguanas to call home. They were living the good life. But this day, they were getting a contact high.

One iguana was climbing on the 'ceiling' of its cage and the other was just chillin on the ground. Probably eating carrots or crickets or whatever the heck iguanas do. I am assuming he was eating purely because I heard that is what stoned people (or animals) do.

So there they were, Cheech and Chong, hanging out in the basement watching the iguanas. All of a sudden, something happened that changed my outlook on the little creatures forever. The iguana hanging on to the top of the cage fell.

Now please keep in mind these iguanas were the size of a normal human being. Straight up six feet flippin long. They had to be the creepiest looking things ever. And the potheads saw one take a tumble.

The unfortunate part of the story was the iguana's placement for his fall: RIGHT ON TOP OF THE OTHER IGUANA! Now what the heck are the odds that would happen?!?! The cage was the size of a semi! WHAT THE HECK?!?!!?

What makes me chuckle is thinking about the stoners' reaction. I imagine it went something like this:

"I'm hungry."
"Me too."
"Have you ever considered covering a pickle with a slice of cheese, dipping it in ketchup, and calling it a meal?"
"No, dude, that sounds awesome though! Let's go try....."
BOOM!
[Staring at the cage]
"........[Puff]...."
[Still staring at the cage]
[Together]: "BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!"

I imagine them making this situation a straight up knee-slapper. I don't know what the exact reaction was, but I certainly hope it went something like that....

Sadly, neither of the iguanas survived. I am unsure how long it took before the tokers stood up and did something to help. I like to think they performed CPR.

So each time I see one of these little creatures, I think of the murder/suicide that took place in Cheech's basement. Now if you don't think that is funny please let me know so I can ensure we are no longer friends. And that is the story of the funniest murder/suicide I've ever wished I'd witnessed....