Share an award you got or something that made you feel proud

My sister and I entered a coloring contest when we were on vacation one summer. Now, we have always been competitive. This was no exception. I never could out-run Miss Kayla but I knew her 4 years of coloring experience had NOTHING on my SIX.

The picture was a bear in this weird patriotic uniform. I was inspired by its potential and brought the bear to life by gently and specifically selecting the colors from my palette. You know – the ones that make sense when you are coloring a patriotic bear…red, white, and blue.

My sister (now the much more conservative of the two) took a more liberal approach. She did not utilize the colors that inspired her. She used them all… purple, brown, orange, yellow…. They were all there…. She even used that crayon that was called “flesh.” You know the one – it is now apricot or something… I’m dating myself…. Don’t act like you don’t remember it….

The crayon named “flesh” had no place in that box just as much as my sister’s cluster bomb of a picture had no place as an entrant.

But it was accepted. My parents entered Kayla’s hot mess along with my masterpiece.

I was plotting ways to console Kayla for her loss while the panel of judges made their decision. The deliberation lasted 24 hours. This was enough time for me to prepare an acceptance speech as well as perfect the “wave” I would no doubt have to give to my followers and fans after my work was made public.

My parents received a call. It was the decision makers. And the winner of the WHOLE CONTEST out of ALL THE KIDS in the WHOLE RESTAURANT was MISS KAYLA “PURPLE IS PATRIOTIC” ALEXANDER.

I WAS TICKED.

There HAD to have been a mistake! Did they not understand the extra effort that I put into to outline the drawing?! I was utterly disgusted. Four year old Kayla was elated.

My parents have a classic picture of the two of us after the final decision. I’m pouting and Kayla is happily holding her puke picture in one hand and her blue ribbon in the other.

To this day I am still wondering about the obvious conspiracy with the Patriotic Bear Coloring Contest.

Share your holiday traditions

Mark and I are very lucky to have family in the same town. Holidays consist of drives to the Haute, booze, and lots and LOTS of food.

I love attending midnight mass on Christmas, sunrise service Easter morning, and sharing all the things I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving.

Holidays are a great excuse to visit family and overeat, but it is so much more important to remember the reason for the season!

First Car

My first car was a Chrysler Lebaron. It was green and had two doors, so it was super fancy. I have no idea what year it was, I just know that it had four wheels.

My parents bought it for me. Having your parents buy your first car means they are in complete control of the ultimate purchase decision.

I was (and still am) a horrible driver. The awesome part is that my Dad wrecked the car first. Right into a deer coming home from work early one morning. Straight up Indiana style. Haha* He got it fixed for me.

I had it about 4 months before it was my turn to wreck the car. Straight into a telephone pole. It was a disgusting moment in my life and the first time I had ever experienced an airbag. I didn’t drive for a LONG time because it scared the daylights out of me.

My second car was a Pontiac Sunfire. Blue. I got pink princess decals (even for the windshield) and pumped that thing OUT. I was 16 and a half and thought it was awesome. My new boyfriend, Mark, was not as proud as my pink machine….

Share about a time when you got hurt as a child

I used to love my footed pajamas. I secretly still wish I owned a pair every once in a while. Then I remember how disgusting they actually are and change my mind.

I was at my parent’s friend’s house. In standard “Alexanders in Public” fashion, I did something stupid and embarrassing. The couple was very fancy and had a set of fake lawn ornament deer in front of their fire place.

Their fanciness played a large role in their lack of children’s toys.

I utilized the fake deer to entertain myself. I was climbing on them (because apparently that was my definition of fun) when I slipped. The buck’s antlers went right into my noggin.

The husband of the super fancy couple was a doctor who apparently couldn’t administer anesthesia and stitches from his living room (lame) so I headed (pun intended) to the ER.

Once in the ER at my mother’s hospital (as Grandpa Crowley would call it) I was strapped to a Velcro bed like a crazy person. My arms were spread to show my 7 year old wingspan, while my legs were velcroed in a spread eagle position. Not to mention it looked like I’d been shot in the face. BY A DEER.

The nurse shot my fivehead up with some numbing syrup, then went to town sewing me back together. It was traumatizing and relaxing. I’ll never forget watching that needle go in and out of my dome. But that Velcro bed was pretty comfortable. I think drugs might have been a factor in my comfort.

I still have a battle wound in the middle of my fivehead, but it’s fine since there is so much space up there (qualifying it as a fivehead instead of a forehead.)

Lessons of the story:

1. Bring your own entertainment for the children when you go somewhere – especially if they are Alexanders.

2. Lawn ornaments are disgusting in the LAWN. Their appeal does not increase or make you fancier when they are in the house.

3. If you are a fancy doctor in a house decorated with lawn ornaments, keep some supplies at home in case some bored kids decide to play at your house.

COLD WEATHER

S0o0o0o0 cold, s0o0oo0o0 lame. Every time it gets cold we ask why we still live in this state. I want to live somewhere with a beach and lots of craziness at all times. I want to own one turtleneck that I wear home for the holidays each year. Snow….Boo, you whore.