A MAN INVENTED PANTYHOSE

The man’s name was Allen Gant Senior. Jen and I were having this conversation a few years ago. It stemmed from her shopping for some and I was reminded of the tale when I was making the purchase at Target the other day…

Have you ever noticed the way the sizes on those things go???? Yikes.

Now, I’m not above buying clothes just for the size. I am currently wearing a skirt that I bought PURELY because the tag said it was a zero. From Armani Exchange. Yeah, I’m proud of it. I’m not even sorry for posting it. I feel pretty lame that sometimes I let the tag hang out … not so people can see the name brand… just so that they can see that big fat ZERO! Waooohooo!

That’s pretty bad, right? Wrong. It’s what women do. I know a girl who isn’t opposed to buying clothes that fit her. She has a "freakishly long torso" and has to buy shirts that are [sometimes] large or even (*gasp*) extra large. But this doesn’t stop her from buying them. She blames her torso. She has a ritual, though, that as soon as she gets home she cuts of the tag. Not the one with the price…the one with the size. GENIUS!

Back to the stupid pantyhose. I’m 5’8" (according to my volleyball roster) and (*cough*) 140 pounds. ß If I’m naked and haven’t eaten for the last 48 hours. Anyways, this is important information. I have a normal BMI and am in no way my name in Latin class in high school, Obesa. Translated: Fat girl.

Here is how pantyhose shopping goes for me:
Oh, I have a size zero Armani Exchange skirt….. I bet I’m an A!
Nope… 4’ 11" to 5’ 4"….moving on….
Probably a B….The only way I could be a B and be 140 pounds is if I was 5’ 3"… crap…
Now where is the C??? Or the BB? Or the AA? Hmmmm… What the heck do I do?
I’m not a B, and am certainly not an A…..
WHAT THE?!?!!??
NO WAY!
OMG!
I CAN’T!
I COULDN’T!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!

That’s right, ladies. After A, come B. After B…. You guessed it Q!~

FREAKING Q?!?! WHAT THE HECK KIND OF SYSTEM IS THAT?? WAY TO GO, MR. GANT! YOU ARE THE A-HOLE OF THE CENTURY.
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

Needless to say, like any normal woman, I bought the B.

You know when you are 17 and have to buy tampons for the first time? It’s uber embarrassing and you buy a pack of Chewy Chips Ahoy to put on top of the tampon box on the conveyor belt so that you can hide the box of tampons? (And so you can devour the whole box in one sitting later that night?) Or was that just something I did?

Anyways, buying a pair of size Q pantyhose would have been a similar experience. One I avoided by proudly purchasing the B’s.

Yes, my Latin teacher called me Fat Girl for a semester of my life. But it’s Allen Gant Senior I’m upset with. And these size B pantyhose are preventing blood from flowing to the lower portion of my body. Should have gotten the Q’s and cut the tag off…..